Lately, I have been thinking a lot about what is after death. About where I'm gonna go. And I would prefer if it's utter and total nothingness, like a moment you are here and the next moment you are just a concept inside the minds of people who knew you.
I was (and am from time to time) is often in a very similar place like this. I came to a point where I resented my own existence and found myself analyzing everything to such a fault that I didn't see any point in doing some of the smallest tasks in life. Then I came to realize that life was about feeling, not thinking. I sought to live authentically and quiet my mind. Since I couldn't see any point in anything, I decided to walk blindly and remind myself that life is meant to be lived despite any rationalization or sense of futility I may feel. It's a hard way still, but I've managed to surprise myself and feel lighter somewhat so I know I'm on the right path, as wavy and dark as it may seem at times. This was kind of vomited out and not well articulated. I know this may seem like low-level common sense or even absurdity, I know, but I felt like sharing, hope it helps.
Remember that humans are very young in an evolutionary sense and our conscious minds are a thin wrapper around mostly reptilian brains. We are still evolving as a species, and regression is common. If you think about what a miracle consciousness, empathy, and compassion are and how much awareness has developed just in the recent past, and that we will continue to develop in leaps and starts in the future, that might help you cope with human shortcomings now. We’re all works in progress.
I hate life not because of what happens to me, I want to die precisely because of the things that are outside; everything that happens in the world, or what happens to the people closest to me, let alone loved ones like family. Like many people out there, I don't necessarily wanna die, it's just that I don't wanna live. At least not in this world, within the society and its constructs. I think about everything from basic principles, I try to make sense of the world around me. And the more I think like that, the more it inflicts pain upon me.
Breathe. Just breathe into the soothing darkness and allow it to pass. If there is something for me here, it will become visible in the silence. If it does not, I am then free to make something for myself. There is a unique and often terrifying madness in too much "why." And a priori knowledge of the world can be burdensome if you get stuck in that why. Breathe.
Sometimes I do sports as an escape. It takes my mind off existential stuff which could really make me think how absurd our lives here on earth are. Even the promise of eternal life that religion offers do not make sense anymore. Eternal life is the most absurd of all absurdity.
It will get better with time, life always does so just hang in there. And it gets easier faster if you make a choice to grow. Learn. Take notes. It got to the point that I spent most of my time rationalizing things to keep my sanity.
Nature wraps all that is good, pleasurable, and beautiful with pain and ugliness. The painful birth process of a loving mother just to give life to a beautiful baby who becomes the source of joy and fulfillment for the parents. A seed must fall down and be buried in the ground before it becomes a new seedling. The grapes are to be crushed before it becomes wine. And seeds to be ground before it becomes a bread that will nourish us. Pain and pleasure, beauty and ugliness, are polarities we experience the one.
Life touched on many points, each requiring long explanations. The short answer that might help me feel better is: statistics vs generalizations. Not all men do those things, not all religious people think those things, etc. Also, evil is a very unclear term, depends on perspectives, even for some people wearing a mini skirt is evil. There's plenty of goodness and wonderful things in people. Don't take your current views as final & written in stone. Life is full of everything, try to accept it, then try to improve something. Just by being a relatively good person, you contribute to humanity.
We are now entering a post-religious era and there is nothing here to satisfy our inherent need for meaning, purpose, and connection. Unfortunately, science is not up to the task. Not yet at least. We're a generation lost in space. Abandoning the illogical and stifling traditions of our forefathers with nothing to fill that void.
If the afterlife does not exist ... death, an eternal sleep without dreams or nightmares, sounds ok compared to the slave life we live in.
